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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
I know I am not alone in this comment but as a young (37-year-old) woman in this industry, I am constantly shocked by the treatment I receive from my older male colleagues. I guess they think it is harmless when they tell me I don’t have to stay late so I can “get home to your husband and children” and they plan meetings that don’t include me, or when they say “It must be hard for a woman to have to choose between being a devoted mother or a great advisor,” or when they have boys’ nights out and I’m not invited. There are seven of them and one of me. We have a lot of second- and third-generation clients where the G2 and G3’s are younger women, and I am always the one tapped to work with these next gens because, as my older colleagues say, I “can relate.”
Is this still the norm for women to deal with? My mom is 61 (a career banker), and she has told me stories about the insults she has had to combat along her career. But I honestly cannot believe in 2024 we are still encountering it. Do you have any advice on how to counter these comments?
I believe if I were to confront them, it would be viewed as “the little girl” getting upset. However, if I laugh it off, it seems like it isn’t hurtful and insulting (and it is). Do I start looking for another firm? I love the clients I’ve been assigned, and I am bringing in my own clients and obtaining referrals. If I leave, I’d be starting over given the non-solicit and non-compete that’s in place.
Honestly, some days I drive home in tears because I feel so diminished by what they are saying to me and about me. They do include me in meetings with important clients; they do seek my advice on things; and they do not include me in most discussions throughout the office. We have two CSAs (Client Service Associates) who are very close to me, and I know respect me. In other words, it’s not all bad but the insults hurt.
K.A.
Dear K.A.,
“[We’ve] come so far, but we’ve got so far to go,” to quote one of my favorite songs from the movie Hairspray. I think the reason you see many “women in investing” and women-only conferences in our industry is due to a lot of what you are talking about. I would agree that, in many cases, the male colleagues don’t recognize how hurtful the comments and behaviors might be. But in some cases I think it is an attempt to show a level of dominance and put a younger colleague in their place.
When I was growing up in this business, I was – at one point – the only woman running a large retirement sales group in the country. My sales team was all men and I worked for all men. I think it would shock our readers if I were to describe the comments I received on a regular basis, so I won’t do that here. Suffice to say, they were unbelievable.
I share this only to say that I agree it would seem over the years the attitudes and commentary would lessen. However, it is overly optimistic to think people will simply change if they don’t see and understand the hurtful nature of what they are doing.
In this vein, I think it would be beneficial if you were to ask your colleagues to meet at some point to talk about something important to you. They will wonder what it is about so don’t let them know in advance. You need to steel yourself because you can’t cry, you can’t get angry, and you can’t seem at all emotional. You have to clearly and directly say that, while you believe they don’t mean anything by it, there is a pattern of comments and behavior that you are finding bothersome. You want to have a long and illustrious career here at the firm, but it is distracting and disturbing to encounter these experiences. Use words like bothersome, distracting and disturbing. Don’t use words like hurtful or upsetting. It’s important to stay business-like and objective – and not emotional.
I know some readers will disagree with me. They might say you aren’t able to be authentic and honest about what you are thinking and feeling. Unfortunately, given the scenario you outline here, this is actually true. You can’t show how upsetting this is, but you certainly can call them out on the behavior.
I would create a list showing the pattern – each meeting you were excluded from, each time you were told to “go home” or it was suggested you had to choose between being a good mother and professional. Lay it out in a factual manner so you can walk through it and show the pattern of behavior. Ask them to be more aware of how these comments might land and to refrain from using them in the future.
Then, see if there is a behavior change before you make a decision to go elsewhere. Sometimes people need to be made aware of how they are coming across. If they care, they can decide to shift. I shared a number of personal experiences in a book I wrote called Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior . It describes how much my teenage daughter taught me to look at my behavior and communication differently on a regular basis. That made me step back and see how my approach was not working with her, and I made a conscious effort to change how I came across.
My efforts solidified a relationship that was previously not in a great place. We became much closer because I chose to hear her and respond. I share this only to say that people can learn if shown the way. They just often won’t change on their own, because they don’t see the impact of their behavior.
Give it a try. At this point, with what you describe, you don’t have a lot to lose!
Dear Bev,
I was recently promoted to a Chief Operating Officer role within our team. I’ve been a CSA for 10 years here and had loosely managed the other two CSAs for most of that time. The problem is that my two senior advisors still see me as the up-and-coming CSA, not as a person with authority. How does one step into a leadership role when the actual leaders are preventing the move?
A.O.
Dear A.O.,
When I teach my graduate class on Managerial Skills one of the most popular modules is on moving from peer to leader. It’s a tough transition on many fronts – being seen differently, stepping into a different level of authority, moving from “friend” to boss. It’s not an easy thing and if your leaders aren’t supporting you and showing you the way to do it, it’s even harder.
I had the opportunity at one of the large investment firms to do a session with people in Group Director/COO roles and it was one of the hottest topics there. How do you push back and get the seat at the table with senior advisors who are strong-willed leaders and who probably still see you in the CSA role? It is not easy! I want you to know this, so you don’t think you are doing anything wrong.
This requires a sit-down conversation with your senior advisors to map out the role, the expectations and how they expect you will interact with the two CSAs and with them. Often a person is given the title, but not alignment of expectations and areas of focus. You are going to have to push them to review what is expected, how you will be measured, what you can and can’t have authority about and so on.
They are likely going to resist you – many advisors think you can just do what’s needed and don’t need guidance, clear boundaries and encouragement. However, for them to get what they need out of you in this role, you have to push on it. Clarity and communication all around will be key.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023 and 2024. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.