When Criticism Is a Gift

Anonymity of the internet

What if there was a dystopian future where we could say whatever we wanted without fear of repercussions or consequences?

Oh wait, we already have that future. As a child, if you had asked me what superpower I wanted as an adult, I would have told you the ability to read minds. Facebook has cured me of that desire.

This level of anonymity that the internet provides people allows for us to forget that behind that screen is a real live human being (at least thus far). People say online what they would never dream of saying to your face, and whether we like it or not, those words stick with us. Each of us knows that we should forget about them, not give the keyboard warriors of the world a second thought, but that is not how thoughts work. Instead they become our 2 a.m. reel, choreographed by self-doubt and an entire accompaniment of the best come-backs we would never say.

In the world of insta-reviews and false experiences, how do we navigate what feedback is worth listening to?

Does it hurt because it’s true?

Nothing is worse than criticism that is 100 percent accurate. Well, maybe vegan cheese is worse.

Maybe hurt isn’t the right word, though. Does it really tick you off because it is true? That’s more like it. Does it get you all fired up to fight because someone is saying the one thing that you don’t want to admit?

One year, at a Christmas party, my son was publicly humiliated for how he was dressed.

My son was furious. He was confrontational and really annoyed with how this guy addressed him about the subject so openly. My son already didn’t like the co-worker, and this didn’t help.

As my son was telling me this story, I pulled up the company's social media page and quickly scrolled through the Christmas Party album to see if there was a photo of my son and his date. And there it was: Ripped jeans, a hoodie, sunglasses, and a “you are lucky that I am here” attitude where his cologne should have been. His date, however, was dressed to the nines!

The co-worker was right. My son has been raised in business settings from conferences, client events, and dress-for-success classes, and stands in a position where he has a lot of knowledge about how business works. He knew how he should have been dressed for the evening and, worse yet, he had a suit and everything that he needed at his disposal. He made a choice that night. He chose to make sure that everyone in the room knew he didn’t care.

The reason the comment made him mad was because it was truthful, and you know what they say about the truth: It hurts.

That is one of the reasons that I really enjoy the conversations I have at live events hosted by The Perfect RIA; it’s a no-holds-barred kind of group, but not like you think.

No one is walking around trying to be a jerk. No one is being hurtful unless they can simultaneously be helpful.

When someone in The Perfect RIA Nation calls one another out, they’re doing so because they want to help, not demoralize. That type of radical candor is what’s missing in this world.

Criticism is a gift

Being critical isn’t permission to bash someone publicly or say things online that you’d lack the backbone to say to them in person.

Rather, it’s a genuine desire for the person before you to be better. It’s knowing that they can be better.

In his must-read book Unreasonable Hospitality, Will Guidara shares a story about correcting a bus boy who leaned against the walls when waiting. (Side note for the nerds out there, did you know that “leaning” is an American thing?) Every single time he saw the bus boy leaning he had to correct him. If he wasn’t corrected him each time, the bus boy would only think one of two things: 1) this behavior is acceptable, or 2) they only correct me when they are in “that” kind of mood.

Have truer words been spoken?

If you don’t think so, then you have never had employees before. I now take this as an internal policy with my leadership team: Correct the mistake each and every time you see it.

If we wait to say something about it until later, we have lost the opportunity to help someone grow right then and there. Can we all collectively agree to be done with personnel reviews where we get out the clipboards of micro-transgressions we have been notating for three months to justify why someone isn’t worthy of a raise? Instead, let’s call it out on the spot. Correct the matter right then and there so no one festers on it, and everyone can move on.

Let’s not abandon the “praise in public and critique in private” mantra we should all still be using, but let’s give people better – useful – criticism.

Criticism is a gift when it is used to push people to greatness and watch them develop into their potential.

Jamie Shilanski is a Registered Financial Consultant® for Shilanski & Associates, Inc. As an RFC® she helps clients understand the various options and nuances of financial services so they can make informed decisions. In this discipline, she customizes a financial plan that fits their unique set of circumstances.

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