Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
As we age, what does staying independent look like? Here is a tale of two families who were alike in many ways, including political and religious beliefs, income, and net worth. But they were drastically different in how they approached aging.
The first family had a culture of self-reliance. As they aged, the parents took great pride in maintaining their independence. To their children’s frustration, even medical emergencies were often kept secret from the family.
When managing a house became difficult, they sold their home and moved to an independent-living community. Needing more help a few years later, they moved into an assisted-living facility. Their children only learned of these moves after the fact.
Only one of their children lived in the same city. Gradually, he became their financial and health advocate. The around-the-clock availability of assisted-living services like housekeeping, meals, transportation, medication management, and medical care made his job relatively easy. He was able to collaborate with the staff, nurses, and doctors to make sure his parents were cared for and supported. Spending the few hours a week this required was manageable and didn’t interfere greatly with his job or family activities.
When the father in this family had a stroke, he was immediately hospitalized, quickly received essential medication, and made a reasonably good recovery. When he eventually died, the family was convinced his years were extended by the good care he received from his support team and his son. After his death, his wife was able to stay in her familiar surroundings,
The second family had a culture of interdependence. Family members spent a lot of time together and relied on each other for support in almost everything. As the parents aged, the communicated expectation was that their children would be there for them. They had no intention of ever leaving their two-story home and refused to even consider hiring help or moving into independent living. The family became increasingly involved in their day-to-day support, helping with transportation, household chores, shopping, and medical appointments.
Finally, the father had a stroke in the middle of the night. No one realized this until the following day. He was hospitalized, then needed an extended stay in a rehabilitation facility. His wife could not live in the house alone.
This crisis forced the family to grab the first available independent-living apartment. Family members spent weeks dealing with 50 years of accumulated belongings and preparing the house for sale.
The father recovered enough to join his wife in independent living. They still refused paid in-home help, continuing to rely on their children and grandchildren. Their care largely fell to one daughter who was willing to work around her part-time job. Eventually, she was spending some 30 hours a week providing the services they needed. She sacrificed work, self-care, and family time until she was exhausted and burned out. The obvious solution was for the parents to move into assisted living.
They still refused.
Ultimately, the father had another stroke and had to be moved to a long-term care facility. Again, in crisis mode, the family moved the mother into the only available assisted-living facility, which was in a neighboring town. This made it difficult for her to visit her husband and for family to visit her. The months before the father died were needlessly isolating for both husband and wife.
The lesson from this tale? Refusing to acknowledge the limitations of aging is a false form of independence. Using retirement resources to pay for appropriate assistance is more self-reliant than expecting family members to provide care at the cost of their own wellbeing.
Rick Kahler, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, CeFT®, CCIM, is the founder of Kahler Financial Group, a Rapid City, SD-based fee-only Registered Investment Advisor.
Read more articles by Rick Kahler
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
