Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
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Dear Bev,
Not sure if you read a recent article about a very high-profile individual at BlackRock who was fired for engaging in a consensual relationship with a staff member. The fired individual is married, so I guess it doesn’t matter whether it was “consensual” or not since it was wrong.
Our office manager is sleeping with one of our principals. Both of these people are married, but unfortunately not to each other. The staff (I am not an advisor) all knows this is going on, so we walk on eggshells. The office manager isn’t very good and she makes a ton of mistakes. But of course no one can say anything about it because she is our leader’s love interest.
I worked for another advisory firm where we had a clear “no-dating colleagues” policy. One of the advisors (unmarried) and one of the operations people (recently divorced at the time) ended up involved, but both quit to avoid problems at the firm. Six years later they are happily married and running their own firm!
I have two questions. Is there anything we should say or do about the existing situation? Is there a policy that can effectively regulate this behavior, like at my last firm?
A.A.
Dear A.A.,
This is the principal of the firm? And you have no rules in place? Even if there were rules, they might not apply to the principal/owner. The short answer to your first question is “no,” there is not a lot you can do except gather colleagues together who also feel the pain of this situation and try to approach the principal in an objective and straightforward manner to outline specifically how this is impacting the rest of the firm.
Years ago I had a client, an independent advisory firm, with several partners and one had engaged in an illicit relationship with a support staff member. The situation just about tore the firm apart because people took sides and the person involved in the relationship threw her weight around and was untouchable. Eventually she left and the partners had to work very hard to repair their relationship (which they ultimately did). But I saw firsthand how destructive this thing can be to a thriving firm. I wouldn’t recommend any one person go speak to the principal, unless there is someone who has an excellent relationship with him and could take him out for lunch to have a one-on-one discussion. Rather, I would suggest gathering as a team and verbalizing your respect for his personal life and the fact that you don’t judge his behavior, but then outlining the ways the behavior is impacting you and other team members.
This is risky. He must know the situation is “wrong” per se and he probably has heard rumblings of some of the problems it is causing but when people are engaged in situations like this they don’t necessarily think objectively and don’t self-reflect on the behavior. It might end up running its course, but then the fallout after a relationship like this ends is never pretty either!
In terms of regulating what goes on, I have seen a number of firms with written policies about interpersonal relationships between colleagues. There has been so much damage done because the man typically ends up fine while the woman’s career suffers (not always, but most of the time) so firms try and avoid the problems in the first place.
If you interview couples, the most popular place to meet a spouse is either in school or at work. So love interests are going to be born in the workplace, whether it is regulated or not. Hopefully people will be professionals, as the ones you described from your prior firm, and recognize the right steps to take to avoid having a problem if in fact the rule exists.
It’s such a difficult situation in so many ways and can have lasting impact. I hope your principal is able to see the problems he is causing before irreparable damage is done.
Dear Bev,
I think our leader is suffering from the early stages of dementia. In meetings, he literally stops in the middle of sentences and looks around the table at us as if one of us were speaking and then he waits for us to respond. He will commit to be at a meeting (even for clients sometimes) but then not show up and tell us he never had the meeting on his calendar. He lies – he will say he was at an event when he wasn’t there and other team members were there so we know his whereabouts.
We are worried he is going crazy. At one point he was a very balanced, thoughtful guy who would ask good questions and respond well. Clients absolutely loved him and he would come into meetings to make them feel good about working with our firm. Now we have to make excuses about why he isn’t able to join the meeting.
We talk about dementia with our clients – we have an older client base of people in their 70s, 80s and 90s. We have one client 102 years old. So we are clear about the issue and we put plans in place for our clients. But we’ve never expected nor anticipated that we would be dealing with this with one of our own.
Are there steps we can take at this point? He has lucid moments. Is it appropriate for us to sit down with him and talk about what we’re observing? Do we start to draw up legal documents in case he is incapacitated completely? There are only 17 of us in the firm and we have been going gangbusters. This year was our best ever in terms of new revenue. None of us want to walk out. We really like this guy but we’re stuck.
L.U.
Dear L.U.,
Do you have access to his spouse or significant other or are there grown children you could get in touch with to talk about your concerns? He might not like you going behind his back, but it could be helpful to validate whether you are seeing something that is consistent or if something else going on. Have you had a conversation with him directly about any major life experiences – is he going through a divorce, or is one of his parents or children ill? Or is something like this causing distraction and sleepless nights so he is “off” when he comes into work? If you could get more information to get a sense of where the behavior is coming from, it might help inform what’s happening here.
Have you pointed out to him the inconsistencies and errors? For example, “Tom, you mentioned you were at the event last week but Greg and Sally were there and they said you never showed up. Is everything okay? It’s not like you to become confused about something like this.” If he is experiencing memory loss or worse, he might react angrily or defensively. This could be an indicator you are right about his condition. If he is concerned too – you could ask him if he has had a consult with his doctor lately and whether it might make sense to go and speak to someone.
My suggestions ride on the type of relationship you have with this individual. If the 17 of you get along well, are very collegial and he trusts you (or some segment of your team) then you can explore these options. But if he is a belligerent, resistant, defensive person who keeps to himself, seek outside counsel. If the firm has a lawyer or consultant or someone who isn’t in the firm, speak with them about your options for addressing this situation.
In both of these difficult situations, readers, please write in if you have dealt with these issues and have suggestions for these people.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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