I Can’t Manage My Boss
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View Membership BenefitsBeverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
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Dear Bev,
I enjoyed a talk you gave this week and appreciated some of your ideas around “managing up” – when someone has a boss who is foundationally not a nice person. You mentioned things like understanding your boss’ viewpoint and trying to get into their seat and help them succeed. But what if you don’t like the person – at all? Isn’t it all about authenticity? Isn’t it about being one’s self and staying true to what I believe?
I respect your view and your talk was very helpful and insightful. But this doesn’t sit well and I don’t know if I am looking at it wrong.
Y.E.
Dear Y.E.,
It’s an unfortunate truth that many people who get into managerial roles have not been coached or mentored on the right way to encourage and motivate teams. The college where I teach graduate school, Suffolk University, created a master’s program in managerial studies to acknowledge that it is very common for organizations to put people in managerial roles but not give them the tools to manage well.
Sometimes, to manage up well, you have to reset expectations. Your boss is only capable of what he or she knows how to do. Rather than not want to deal with the person’s behavior, be more objective about your boss’ attitude and behavior. Could he or she be afraid? Believe they are out of their element in the role? Maybe they are not nice because this is a wall they put up to keep people at bay?
I don’t condone bad behavior and I agree you want to be authentic. But many times the boss is not trying to be a jerk. There are other drivers.
That said, if we look at behavioral style, one can have a “high D” (dominance – quick to anger, very direct, bold) style and often communication comes across as impatient, angry and upset. Your boss could be high on this scale, where you are lower D and don’t enjoy confrontation or don’t see the need for anger or upset. The energy the higher D gives off can be very off-putting to the lower D. Consider whether there is a behavioral disconnect between the two of you.
It would be best if all managers had high emotional intelligence (EQ) and were self-aware, self-reflective and self-regulating. This would make for great cultures and enjoyable work environments for everyone. It is what I am teaching the future leaders in my classes, my business, and it is the standard I am asking those who will listen to uphold. That said, ultimately I am a realist and this isn’t the case for many managers. We could spend a lot of time saying what should be the case and get nowhere, or we could figure out how to manage with what we have. I prefer the latter for practical reasons!
Dear Bev,
What’s the best way to ask my senior advisor to be more engaged coaching and mentoring me? He is very “checked out” all of the time and I want someone who I can ask questions. But I don’t want to upset him. I’m only 26 and he is mid 50s and he might look down on me a bit.
N.O.
Dear N.O.,
This depends on the nature of the relationship. Do you suspect the advisor would be upset or do his actions communicate to you that he isn’t open to new ideas? Are your styles very dissimilar such that the senior advisor interprets your approach to requesting more attention in a negative way?
I’m questioning whether this is your impression or whether there is factual data that tells you the senior advisor is not open.
The best approach is to stay very non-accusatory toward your mentor – let him know, in a positive way, how much you appreciate everything he is doing for you and that you are enjoying learning from him (I realize this might be a bit of a stretch, but complimenting someone is often a good way, if it is sincere, to start a conversation where you will be making a request – please do not do this if there is absolutely nothing this individual has taught you!)
If there is something you have learned and you can be positive, acknowledge you are eager to learn and would enjoy a bit more of his time. Recognize his time is valuable and you are sure he is busy with clients and such, but you want to soak up as much knowledge as you can. Again, don’t be overly complimentary or gratuitous if it isn’t authentic for you or it would be offensive to him. But wherever you can be positive in your approach, do so.
Many years ago, I completed a survey of next-generation advisors who I then sent to senior leaders asking the same questions. I found there was a glaring difference between the amount of time the next gen wanted for coaching and the amount of time the older advisors believed was necessary and important. It is a different lens on the world. Many advisors in their 50s, such as yours, grew up in business where there wasn’t much coaching and mentoring and it was “learn by doing.” They can sometimes carry this attitude through to others where they don’t see the need for a lot of hands-on support. It isn’t they won’t give it; they just view the process very differently.
Have an open conversation and let your senior person know exactly what more time with him might look like – be as specific as possible and make sure your questions are clear and organized so you are making the best use of his time.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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