Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
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Dear Bev,
My two sons recently joined my 19-year-old practice. One is 28; he had a different career out of college and then decided to be an advisor. He obtained his CFP® and has been a very aggressive business developer for me in his first six months. The older son, now 32, has been in finance his whole career. He was on the institutional portfolio side, and I coaxed him into joining the firm about nine months ago given his depth of knowledge.
While the transition took place effectively at the same time (one nine and one six months ago) the results and experience has been nothing alike. My younger son is truly a go-getter – he will attend events, follow up with prospects, sit in on meetings and is hungry to learn more. My older son is complacent. He believes his knowledge of investments and his masters in finance is enough to qualify him for whatever pay and position he desires.
I’m finding it hard to reconcile this.
As you can imagine, there is some bad blood. Growing up, these two were always extremely competitive – both played sports, often went after the same girlfriend even with their two-year age difference, and both jockeyed for my ex-wife’s attention regularly (and still do). My ex-wife has an opinion that “equal is equal,” and they should be treated the same because they are both my sons. I’m running a successful business (we have seven other team members) and I don’t believe in nepotism. My sons will inherit plenty when I am gone, they are my only heirs. My focus is on making this business as successful as possible to leave a good legacy for them.
They are only interested in the “now.” My older son repeatedly says that with climate change and political headwinds, he doesn’t think he is going to be around for the long-term. So I need to pay him now and let him live his life and enjoy what I’ve earned for them.
I’m finding the whole situation very difficult. I love my sons, but I also care about the business I have worked hard to build. I don’t believe everyone is equal. My younger son is contributing more and my older one just wants to sit back and enjoy life. How do I reconcile this? I have a decent relationship with my ex. But she factors in because she can cause a lot of disruption if she doesn’t like how I am treating them.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
There is a lot to unpack here in what you’ve written. When I used to teach small business management, I often reflected on how we had a whole two-day module on family businesses. The complexity of the family dynamic melds into the day-to-day difficulty and focus of running a small business. There are legacy issues, relationship dynamics, undertones from past interactions and beliefs about one another that are hard to undo even in adulthood. Of course, anywhere there are people, there are human dynamics. But being related adds a another layer of complexity! Add in the other people, like your ex-wife (their mom) who cares deeply about their happiness, and you are going to be constantly second-guessing yourself and stepping carefully when you make important decisions.
It's interesting to me that you did not talk about what your sons want. I hear the competition, the desire to monetize your legacy and estate in the now, but I don’t hear what they believe success looks like. What do they each want in their careers, for the firm and for the long term?
Start here. Talk with each of them about desired outcomes. What does success look like in their roles and for the overall firm? What do they want to accomplish? What values do they want the firm to espouse? See how closely they are aligned on this. If their viewpoints are very different, try to bring alignment to what you all are aiming for.
Ask each of them what they want in their career and role. In most cases, it isn’t just about money; it is about other things that bring passion and joy. They are probably wired very differently. Behaviorally, one seems to enjoy the external meeting of people, the other enjoys the behind-the-scenes financial work. This is great – the complement can work well to benefit the firm! Think about how you can help them see the differences come together for the greater good. Make sure their roles and responsibilities align to what they do well. If they both contribute and succeed in a way, and it is complementary to each other, this is good for them and good for the firm.
Consider the request for transferring some of the legacy assets now. Is this something you would consider? Is it possible to give them more ownership so it isn’t a monetary gift? Could you find ways to share additional profits of the firm or offer significant bonuses for goals reached? I am not telling you how to spend your money or how to manage your estate. But consider the request and see whether there is any way to accommodate something for the son who is asking, and then to benefit both.
Family dynamics don’t go away. Their competitiveness and long-standing jockeying for attention with their mom is not going to change dramatically. This is okay as long as they can put differences aside on behalf of the business. You don’t need them to hang out on weekends and take trips together (although any parent generally likes to see their children in relationship like this…). But you need them to be professional and work together in a collaborative and respectful manner. Make this your goal and it will make working through these issues easier.
Dear Bev,
If I wanted to be in sales, I would have become a salesperson. I wanted to be in finance. Why are all firms forcing us to sell?
J.A.
Dear J.A.,
This is something I hear on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. We need to reframe the idea of sales. No one is suggesting that advisors should stand on the street corner with sandwich boards offering a discount if you use their services. The relationship between client and advisor runs deep and trust is at the heart of it. If I trust you, I want to tell others whom I care about to work with you and to learn more about how you can help me.
Stop saying it is “selling,” and talk about how it is “helping” others. I have to “sell” my business every day. I have run sales teams in my career, but I don’t think about what I do as selling. I think about it as finding those people who need our help and whom we can help. If so, great – if not, no problem – we’ll work with someone else. It lessens the emotional response and puts the focus in the right area. Try it.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022 and 2023. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here. 
