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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Readers,
I have a wonderful advisor client who I have worked with for many, many years. She is a great advisor, excellent business development person and a caring, thorough and thoughtful professional — an exemplary individual on all scales. We recently talked about a client situation she faced: one spouse did something very offensive to the other spouse with their financial decisions. Not illegal, not against any advisory rules – just unkind to the other spouse.
My advisor reached out first to the person who committed the offense and offered to facilitate a discussion. Her goal was to try and get the two people talking to one another openly about what had happened and perhaps to put some ground rules in place. Fast forward a few weeks. Rather than respond to her about a dialogue, her clients told her they were divorcing. One spouse pulled their account from this advisor as a result.
The situation reminded me that even though there are often strategies – and tactics – to employ in working with individuals, spouses and families, there are also times where you can do all of the right things and it doesn’t work out because of the human element. Clients can lie. They can have their own agendas. They may not be forthcoming. They may have ulterior motives, like in the situation my advisor faced with this couple. Sometimes you need to cut yourself a break, as long as you know you did everything possible to facilitate a good outcome.
All of this said, here are some reminders of what it means to “do everything possible” to avoid negative outcomes. This week’s column is devoted to brushing up on what you know you need to do well — and making sure you are actually doing it!
- When it comes to spouses, one person typically plays a more dominant role. Remember, the “dominant” person is not always the one who appears the most dominant. In many situations the quiet person, the listener or the person who seems disinterested is actually the one that determines the next steps after the spouses walk out of the meeting. Be sure to make eye contact with both, ask open-ended questions of both and pause to say “I’d like to also hear what your partner/spouse thinks about this question.” This sounds basic but too many advisors fall into the trap of working with the person who is more interested in the process, asks the most questions and talks the most. Be inclusive. Be interested in both.
- Partners might need to be pushed to share their thoughts, feelings, interests and financial leanings. Instead of asking one question and posing it to both of them, perhaps you want to send questions in advance to each of them individually. Construct five open-ended questions about what they want to accomplish, their relationship with money, their short and long-term concerns around money, etc. Email these to them separately and ask them to return them separately so you can see in advance how much alignment (or misalignment) there might be. This will give you insight into how to handle a discussion.
- Sometimes people present a problem or an issue, and it isn’t really the pressing consideration. I have a saying in my firm: “Let’s make sure we are solving the right problem.” This came out of a situation many years ago in which we addressed what a client asked us to, but it wasn’t the root of what was going wrong. We had to change our approach to address the real problem. Our mantra ever since has been to focus not on what is said, but on what is often not said. Another way to think of it is to listen between the words! In the case of financial advisors, you have to be careful not to take everything at face value. When someone presents an obstacle or concern, rather than try and solve it right away, work to understand what’s underneath it. Ask two or three more open-ended questions before you move on. We all need help at times to uncover what’s really going on. The best therapists don’t tell you what to do, they ask question after question after question so you can come up with answers on your own. Advisors would be well served to take a page from this approach to ensure you address what really matters.
- Don’t be afraid of the elephant in the room. In my advisor’s case, she was willing to push back on the spouse who was creating the unrest to advocate for a dialogue about the situation. The client was not responsive and was unwilling to participate. You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. However, this doesn’t mean you don’t try. You have to push yourself, as an advisor, out of your own comfort zone from time to time in order to push your clients. It can be helpful to hold someone accountable for their behavior. To deepen trust, you have to show someone you care enough about them to be honest with them, and sometimes this means saying things they don’t want to hear. Learn to push appropriately where necessary.
- Recognize your own limits. There are going to be clients who you can’t help because they won’t let you. In the situation outlined herein, my advisor’s clients wanted to make her the scapegoat. There was legitimately nothing she could have done to create a different outcome, but it perhaps made them feel better that rather than point the finger at each other, they could accuse her of getting in the middle. Some people don’t want to be helped. When I am asked to coach someone at one of my client firms, I always want to know what the person thinks about entering into coaching. Do they want feedback? Do they want to shift behaviors? Do they want to become the best they can be? Or do they think they are already the best and they can’t learn anything new? It’s not up to me to judge, but it is up to me to identify whether the person wants to make a shift or not. If they don’t, there is nothing we could say or do that would change their behavior. Human beings make their own choices. You can influence them. You can support them. You can give them guidance and direction. You can help them set and meet their goals. You can develop the best portfolio for their situation! However, you cannot control them. If they choose to dig their heels in and refuse to participate with you, sometimes the best thing is just to let them go. It always hurts to lose, but there are times you end up benefitting as a result.
My client was saddened by the inability to prevent the outcome from happening. She wondered “What else could I have done?” a couple of times, then decided to let it go. There will be another couple who wants to work together and partner with her in the effective manner she is used to. It’s a lesson, though: Make sure you have no regrets about what you could have done and to take the steps to engage in the best ways possible every chance you get.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023 and 2024. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
