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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
My partner “Jay” and I run a very successful team inside one of the larger firms. We bring in new business at a 25 percent increase rate every year and have 100 percent retention. We have a great team, with three people supporting us. The problem is that Jay knows exactly how to push my buttons. We can be having a perfectly normal conversation about investments or a client situation or internal issues we need to resolve, and all of a sudden Jay will say something like, “You probably wouldn’t agree since you often have such a negative attitude about new things,” or “You won’t want to be the one to implement this so I can run with it on my own.”
He shuts me down completely, and if I push back or say he’s wrong, he uses it as an opportunity to say how sensitive I am and how I am not very self-reflective. However, I believe I am self-reflective. I can be skeptical about things, but not always and not everything. I can sometimes avoid taking on a new project if I think it is going to bury me with what I already have on the plate. I know this about myself, but it isn’t like it all makes me ineffective. It’s not helpful, productive or useful for Jay to say these things (and yes, I have told him this using these exact words), but Jay will always respond, “It has to be said.” I have heard this sentence no less than 10,000 times in our years working together. He says it about everything.
I know I can’t change Jay; I’m self-aware enough to understand this. So how do I deal with it and refuse to allow him to bait me and get under my skin? Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, thinking about the latest comment he has made.
R.I.
Dear R.I.,
You get high marks for choosing not to ask me about how to change Jay. We waste so much of our lives trying to change someone else and get them to do things differently when the only power we really have is that of changing ourselves. In this case, while it is frustrating and obviously gets to you if you are laying awake all night thinking about it, you could start by acknowledging this really is about Jay and not you.
I appreciate your willingness to share reflections of times you may behave in a way that leads Jay to make these sarcastic comments, but you are right when you say that it is unproductive. Nothing is going to change with you, and the trust between the two of you will only erode by this approach. While you can’t change Jay, you might try some of the following to either shift the behavior, or change your experience of his comments:
- Rather than point out to Jay that you “already know” or his comments are not useful, perhaps turn it into a question instead: “I’m curious what you think will happen, or what you will gain by saying negative things about me, to me?” Ask it as non-confrontationally as you can – become truly curious about it. Don’t you wonder what he expects to gain by doing this? The key to doing this is also the pause. Don’t give him an out, don’t fill in the blanks by saying it could be this or it could be that – just listen.
- Recognize that Jay does know how to get to you! When someone is difficult for us, we call it getting into the “difficult dance of communication.” You know what the person is going to say; you respond the same way every time; then the person takes their next predictable step and you… And on it goes. Nothing shifts until one person decides not to participate in the dance. The next time Jay makes a comment like this to you, instead of getting defensive, try turning it to a question – “What do you suggest I should do differently?” “What would you like to see or hear me do instead?” “How is this behavior bothersome to you?” Questions are very powerful and, again, if you can refrain from becoming defensive, they will often make the person take a pause. But be prepared. It is entirely possible Jay will tell you what you need to do differently. You need to listen, take it in and then say, “Thank you for the feedback.” You want to stop the behavior, and breaking the dance steps with Jay can help you get there.
- Go into a mindful Zen place when Jay is talking. There are some people you truly want to just tune out. However, you can’t be rude and obvious that you are doing so. When Jay begins the same line of discussion you know is about to happen, go into a happy place in your mind. You can repeat a calming mantra, poem, prayer or song lyrics. For the most part I have removed difficult people from my life, but when I do encounter one who won’t go away, I like to sing a song to myself: “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats. The lyrics I repeat are about the dance:
We can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind. / ‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance / Well they’re no friends of mine!
I can smile at someone and listen, all the while singing these lyrics over and over to myself so I don’t get angry, annoyed or upset!
Dear Bev,
What is your advice when you work for someone who is in charge, and they prevent you from doing your job, then blame you when you don’t do it to their standards? When performance review time comes, I don’t want to be accused of underperforming.
I.P.
Dear I.P.
School is back in swing and, to kick off the Executive MBA program where I teach, the new cohort of students had a day with Outward Bound. In one of the breakouts, the leader had them split into three groups – executive leadership, middle management and the workers. Executive leadership had to “communicate” something without speaking using pantomime; middle management had their backs to the workers while they tried to translate; and the “workers” were blindfolded trying to do what was asked of them.
Sound a little like the situation you are in? The illustration is done because it isn’t an uncommon experience. The reality is that successful communication and outcomes start with excellence in leadership and trickle down.
As a start you could sit with your boss and ask about their “standards.” Try to understand specifically where you are going off track. Many times these are behavioral disconnects. If you have a boss who is highly attuned to rules and quality and you are someone who doesn’t notice details as much, you might be failing in their eyes. First, start with seeking to understand.
You won’t be able to change much about the impression of your leader, so what you can do is document, document and document some more. Document what is asked of you and how you performed, and be extremely specific – dates, names, details are all important. Come to any performance review armed with information to back up what you’ve completed and how you’ve done it. Your only option is to act proactively and share data that diminishes (and hopefully eliminates) accusations you aren’t doing your job well.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023 and 2024. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
