Close the Liking Gap

2. Learn to really listen. Earlier this week I was facilitating a group discussion with a number of team members at a client firm who were being asked to engage in a process they weren’t particularly thrilled about. There was a fair amount of pushback and what could be termed as “negativity.” I didn’t take the input as negative. Instead, I really listened and triedto parse through what they were saying and why it mattered to them.

If someone says, “We don’t have time for this,” what is underneath that feeling? Do they really not have time? Is something else a priority? Do they feel it is time wasted? Do they need to learn better organizational skills? Or is time an easy obstacle to bring up because it is so amorphous and hard to pin down? We so often make assumptions or take something exactly as it is said to us. Instead, we could try to look at the different components and the “why?” behind the “what?” Practice listening differently.

3. Everyone has a story and they want to be able to tell it. Consider adopting this one as a lifestyle approach. My youngest daughter once accompanied me on a work trip. We took cabs to and from the airport and meetings, and stayed in a hotel room. She joined me at a couple of the events I had to attend. At the end of the trip she asked me, “Why do you care so much about what’s going on with someone you will likely never see again?”

I reflected on this because I think she was observing how I ask everyone I meet about their background, why they do what they do, what they like about their job and don’t like. If I am comfortable enough, I might segue into personal issues. Strangers (and those I know well) have told me some of their deepest and darkest secrets because they know I am genuinely interested.

People want to share in most situations, as long as they believe it is safe and they can trust the listener. In business we talk often about psychological safety. Focus on creating an environment in your workplace where people feel they can be their authentic selves. This one is critical for advisors and their team members because, in many cases, the stories someone tells will give insight into who the person is, what their journey has been and why they approach work (and clients) as they do.

It isn’t often educational background and experience that helps you stand out in a crowded advisory market. However, it is who you are and what it might feel like to work with you that can make an impression. Find ways to allow people to tell their stories and then find ways to embrace them.

4. Never show your frustration with your team members, but learn to engage in healthy conflict. This weekend I’ll teach another grad class on managing teams and organizations. We have a breakout session in which we create two groups and have their members discuss (argue) over a topic they are both passionate about. In the past I’ve had students get up and walk out because they are so bothered by the discussion, and it is only a simulation in a class!

Learning to handle conflict with others in a healthy way is critical. It involves not showing disgust, frustration or impatience with a team member, because this immediately puts someone in a negative adversarial position with you. In the example at the start of this column, my client was worn out from the back-and-forth and the disagreement over things that would seem obvious to management, but also conversely seem obvious to the team member who is bringing them up repeatedly.

You can never walk in someone else’s shoes, but you can take the steps to explain to your colleague why your perspective is what it is. Context, history and perspective are all important. You might think the person should just know, but they don’t. You have to help them see another side and try to come to agreements that aren’t one-sided.

Yes, you can always say “That’s just the way it is,” but that doesn’t earn you trust and engagement. Taking the time to work through conflict in a respectful and thoughtful way will win you connections over time much more successfully than forcing ideas on someone who has a totally different view of the world.

5. You don’t have to make everyone a friend, but the best teams consist of people who genuinely get along with one another. At a volunteer event, I overheard a volunteer asking their peer what she liked to do on the weekends and other innocuous questions. The response was, “I’m not sharing. I don’t need more friends in my life.” The colleague who was making the overtures was shocked because she wasn’t asking this person to hang out – she was just trying to make friendly small talk in a high-pressure environment.

Now, you could say small talk is unnecessary, and this person was right to respond assertively and let her perspective be known. However, as you can also imagine, these two individuals were never assigned to work together after that. The person making the schedule heard about the back-and-forth and wanted no trouble.

There is a tremendous amount of research on what is often called “the liking gap” on teams. It is not a “nice to have” but a “must have” for teams to work together most effectively. Building camaraderie and knowing one another in a more friendly way actually matters to the overall team. Find ways to extend an interest in your colleagues (if you are stumped on how to do this, revisit ideas #1-3 above) to see what you can learn. You don’t have to have firepit discussions on a cold weekend or a beach outing on a warm one, but in the workplace you need to close that liking gap just a little bit to be most effective.

The more people there are in an environment, the more complications and sometimes the more problems. While you may believe that leadership is ultimately responsible for bringing the team together and making the tough decisions – and in fact, they are – you can also play a role no matter what position you are sitting in. Care about your colleagues. Make work more effortless by engaging differently.

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023 and 2024. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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